Friday, August 11, 2006

Rebuilding my Etsy Store and Waiting for my Husband to Take a Crap

I returned home from vacation Wednesday evening and am trying to recover from the usual post-vacation exhaustion. Thanks to all who participated in the busy-work activity I left for you while I was gone!

Now that I’m home, I’m busy rebuilding my Etsy store, labeling and listing yarns, and waiting for my husband to take a crap. (My apologies if you find the word “crap” a bit offensive. I just couldn’t think of a better word to use. “Bowel movement” sounds as though I’m 80. “Poop” is far too cute to describe what my husband does in the bathroom. And the other obvious choice seemed to me even more crude than “crap.”)

Let me step back and explain, as there’s a bit of a back-story here.

When my husband and I were first dating, he lived in California and I lived in Oregon. We spent lots of time on the phone and got to know a lot about each other during those long conversations. In one conversation, he said to me, “You know that I wear a partial, right?” I paused before I replied that I did not, in fact, know that. Now the thing was, I also didn’t know what a “partial” was. The only thing I could think of was that it was some sort of toupee. I envisioned a partial toupee, perhaps yarmulke style, covering a circular bald spot at the top of his head. This troubled me a bit, not at the thought that the new love in my life was bald but rather that the new love in my life was the type of man who would hide his baldness with a hair-hat! But my error was quickly corrected as he explained to me that a partial is like a mini-denture.

Turns out that he is missing two teeth toward the back side of his mouth and has a little apparatus that’s basically two false teeth that slip in place and hook onto the teeth next to the missing spaces. Whew! I can live with that. So much better than a hair-hat!

About a year later, once my now-husband had moved up to Oregon to live with me, he and I took a drive out to the coast one day. The day slipped away from us and before we knew it, it was late at night and we were too tired to drive home, so we stopped at a motel for the night. We were unprepared for an overnight trip and so just had to make due with a quick stop at a convenience store for some toiletries.

When we arrived home the next day, my now-hubby suddenly realized that he had left his partial in the motel room. Not having his personal, overnight items with him he had put his partial into one of the coffee cups in the motel room before he went to bed and then completely forgotten it in the morning. We had quite the laugh as he called the motel and awkwardly told them that he had stayed there the night before and “left his teeth” in the room.

Everything turned out alright, as the maid had indeed found his teeth and the motel was able to ship them back to us. This was a relief, as he had only recently gotten this partial and it cost around $1,500.

When the package arrived from the motel, we found his teeth safe and sound, casually wrapped in a rather crumpled paper towel.

A couple of days later, my soon-to-be-husband tells me that he can’t find his teeth. Apparently, he had not immediately washed them and put them safely back in place in his mouth. He barely notices when they’re not in place, unless he’s eating something particularly chewy. Now, I love my hubby, but the fact is, he’s a bit of a big old lazy slob. Turns out, he had never even taken his teeth upstairs to the bathroom. He had left them wrapped in the crumpled paper towel in which they had arrived, lying on the kitchen table.

Well, needless to say, I had thrown my husband’s teeth away. They’re very lightweight and I didn’t even feel them when I picked up that crumpled paper towel and threw it away. And, of course, the garbage had gone out and been picked up that morning.

There was nothing we could do but shake our heads, laugh about it, and make an appointment for him to see the dentist about a new partial. He needed to go to the dentist anyway, as he had another tooth that was hurting him. It turned out that that tooth was also beyond hope and had to be pulled, so in addition to replacing his old partial, he needed to get another, smaller one to cover the new gap in his mouth. (Poor hubby. Still in his 30’s with his mouth beginning to look like an old man’s!) His dental plan covered part of the cost, but we still had to shell out $1,000 ourselves as well.

He got those new teeth a few months ago and has been less than thrilled with the work of this new dentist. He’s been back twice already to have them adjusted. Finally, the larger one seemed to fit alright but the smaller one was still not quite perfect and has come loose a couple of times when he’s eating.

Last night, my husband had a little snack of some cheese before heading up to bed. I was still up and watching David Letterman when he returned downstairs and sheepishly reported to me, “Uhhhhh … I think I …. Uhhhh … I think I swallowed my partial.”

At first I thought this was impossible. If you’ve never seen one of these things, it looks like a tooth but it has two prongs on each side that are about 3/8’s of an inch long that wrap around the tooth next to it, serving as little clamps. How can someone swallow such a thing and not even know they’re swallowing it?! Not possible, was my first thought. But on further consideration – keeping in mind that my husband has the neck and throat of a football player and wolfs down his food like a ravenous lion – well, yes, it suddenly seemed all too possible.

Our first reaction was concern. Imagine this thing passing through one’s system! I thought of those awful, metal prongs ripping at his insides! He called his brother, whose wife is a nurse, for advice. She put his mind somewhat at ease by explaining that the body normally “encapsulates” foreign objects so that they pass through the system safely. Children often swallow glass or other dangerous objects without any damage resulting.

So now we’re just waiting for my husband to take a crap. To make matters worse, he is not only going to have search for this item (ick!), but he is also going to have clean it, sterilize it, clean it, sterilize it, clean it, sterilize it … and then eventually put it back in his mouth!!! We just can’t spend another thousand dollars on another partial, if in fact he is able to recover the one he has temporarily “lost.”

I see lots of fun in my future, giving him a hard time about what a “potty mouth” he is and other such things. I do not, however, see much kissing in our future!

Ah well. Enough of my rambling story. I have lots of work to do to finish preparing and listing all of the yarn that dried in my workshop during my vacation. I’ve already re-stocked quite a bit of Superwash Merino Sock Yarn and have quite a bit more to deal with, including one new colorway that I’m sure you’ll love. It’s a lovely blend of warm brown tones, with hints of golden brown and sage brown throughout. I’m really pleased with the way it turned out, although I have to say that brown is not my favorite color at the present moment.


Stacey said...

Oh my gosh! That is the funniest story. Be sure to have plenty of gloves and antibacterial soap on hand as well as some bleach to dip that sucker in!!! Ewww! :)

aija said...

LOL, thanks for sharing your story. It'll be fine, just lots of joking about it!!

Kristin said...

potty mouth! I love it! I would totally make fun of him and call him poopy teeth too. Good luck! I hope he craps soon.

anne said...

OMG—my husband has a partial too, although he has never "mislaid" it.

his is in the front (old childhood injury), and he did not tell me about it for almost two years!
i have never seen him without it. last week we were talking about it needing to be replaced, and i mentioned i had never seen it and he started to remove it. i freaked—i don't know where it came from but i suddenly very much did NOT want to see him without his front tooth after all this time!

Andrew said...

That's quite an image - teeth in a crumpled paper towel. Did you give hubby a time out?

To Love, Honor and Dismay

barbp said...

Damn - I need a squeegee to clean the coffee off my monitor. So does this new colorway include silver for the metal, an off white for the teeth and is it going to be called ..sorry never mind.

It's funny how sometimes bodily functions have to be looked at in a "new light". When people turn 50 doctors recommend an exam of the colon and intestines. My husband had it done and of course there was that mile stone in his life where I could not tell him he was full of crap!!!

Soon I will be 50 and will reach that mile stone as well.

Robin said...

Partial - $1500.00
The fun you're going to have with this - PRICELESS!!!!!!
What a funny story!

DebbieKnitter said...

OMG,that is the grossest story I have EVER heard...I love it!!!! Sorry, love or not, that poor guy should NOT have least not partials:)